I’ve read a few articles lately about the importance of finding one’s tribe. Unfortunately, I can’t say that I have. In fact, I’ve always felt ever so slightly out of place, or that I’m lingering in some strange middle ground between worlds.
I grew up in a small town in Northern Minnesota. Total population was roughly 3000, not tiny, but certainly not large. There were 2 elementary schools, 1 junior high and 1 high school. The people I was around in kindergarten, were pretty much the exact same people I was around all the way through high school. The people I went to school with were the same people I played sports with, attended church with, socialized with, you get the idea. I HATED it. But I was very much in the minority. Everyone around me seemed perfectly content with their safe and cozy little world. I felt trapped, limited and claustrophobic.
I actually had the opportunity to leave just before my senior year and attend a totally new high school in a totally different state, in a large city, where I would only know 1 person. (That’s a whole other story) I jumped at the opportunity! All of my friends thought I was completely insane saying “you can’t possibly leave your senior year!” All I could think was that this was my only opportunity to experience high school in a totally different environment with totally different people, how can I not!
All of the friends I grew up with still live in that same town. I’m the only one of our group that left. While I’ve never regretted leaving and would certainly never move back, twenty some years later I still don’t feel I’ve really found my place. Needless to say, I’m still searching for my tribe.
I’m not envisioning a world where everyone around me is the same, that’s precisely why I disliked being in a small town. The lack of variety. I think it’s important to have a diverse group of people and personalities in your social circle. These differences can expand your world view, provide exposure to new things, offer insights and new perspectives that you certainly wouldn’t have if everyone was just like you.
But I am craving a bit of camaraderie among like-minded people. People I can really relate to, with shared values and goals. It seems the majority of people I know are in a completely different place in life. I love my stay-at-home mom friends, but as a working mom I can rarely get together with them due to our different schedules. When they’re ready to get away from their kids, that’s my only time to see mine. They have never had careers and have always relied on their spouses to provide, so I can’t really talk to them about career woes, or the stress and burden of being the breadwinner, because they simply can’t relate.
My childless friends are great, but they don’t really understand that something as simple as meeting for dinner after work means I won’t see my kid at all that night. And all of those cool events and concerts… well, that also takes away from family time, so I’m always torn.
I also feel like I can never quite relate to most of the people I meet. Everyone seems to fall into some extreme, while I linger, seemingly alone, in some middle ground.
Allow me to illustrate.
Perhaps I’ve failed to fully develop my personal belief system, but I tend to fall somewhere in the middle on many subjects.
Health & Fitness:
- I’m somewhat health-conscious, and try to eat plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables, but they’re often not organic. And I’m sorry my vegetarian and vegan friends, but I really love hamburgers, especially if covered in gonzola or blue cheese.
- I enjoy playing sports and being active, but hate “exercise” and refuse to get up at 4:30 am for really anything.
- I pretty much eat what I want, and will rarely turn down a free desert, but all in moderation.
Money & Materialism:
- While I do enjoy nice things, they aren’t that much of a priority for me. I refuse to spend hundreds for stupid things like purses, shoes or designer jeans. But if I can find them used on consignment, or on sale I’m all for it!
- I believe in living within your means, or even just below, if you can’t afford it, don’t buy it, chances are you don’t really NEED it anyway.
Parenting:
- I limit screen time and my son saw virtually zero TV until age 2. This is my preference. However, the other day it was rainy and cold, we were all tired, so we let him watch his first movie on Netflix (he’s 3 1/2 now). No one died.
- Naturally I want my child to have a healthy diet. I’m not going to give him soda and Cheetos for lunch, but a treat once in awhile isn’t going to kill him. In fact, studies out of Penn State University have found that when kids are restricted from eating cookies or other snack foods, their desire to eat the snacks increases, and they’re likely to overeat them every chance they get.
- I’m don’t believe in helicopter parenting. Kids need room to learn and grow, to fall and fail. That being said I’m not going to let my 3 year old run around outside unsupervised, and I will step in to help guide when needed.
- I don’t believe kids should just be handed everything on a silver platter. This results in entitlement. But certainly if you have the means you can help them. For example, I don’t feel it necessary, or wise, to buy a 16 year old a new car. With my oldest, we told him we would help him buy a car by matching any dollar amount he was able to save.
I am by no means claiming to be “right”, we’re all just doing our best and choosing what we feel is the right path. I’m just wishing there were a few more people on this path with me.
Search for Utopia 