So, we sold our house. It’s already been a couple months actually. It all happened rather quickly. Four days to be exact. I thought I’d feel excited and even a little sad, but I just kind of felt numb, or maybe just ambivalent.
We knew we’d eventually sell, seeing as the schools in the neighborhood were terrible, and the neighborhood in general was just not the best. I had kind of been building up all this momentum over the winter about the idea of moving in the Spring. It just seemed… “right”. The gun shots that woke me at 2 a.m. one morning confirmed this. So we cleaned and painted and staged and put it on the market.
When it sold everyone kept asking me if I was excited, and I wanted to be, but I just wasn’t. I actually thought I’d feel somewhat sad handing the keys over to someone new. I purchased the house a little over a year after my divorce, and it was the first house I ever purchased on my own. Though I married again a few years later and my husband moved in, that house was always sort of a symbol of my independence and capabilities. It was also a really charming house with hardwood floors, high ceilings, beautiful crown molding and claw foot tub. I put a lot of work into fixing it up and making it my own, so I was somewhat surprised that I felt nothing about leaving it.
So what was inhibiting my excitement? Well, one of the reasons for selling was to provide us more freedom to move wherever and whenever. We wanted to be more portable. I thought I’d have this great feeling of adventure and freedom. Unfortunately every effort I made towards a big move fell flat. I had a solid job lead in Austin, then suddenly the position was put on hold. My current employer responded positively to the possibility of my working remote, but then sounded reluctant. As of today, it’s still up in the air as to whether I can or cannot work remote. So my “big move” resulted in us renting a two bedroom apartment a few miles down the road. Woo hoo.
The apartment is fine mostly, and it’s nice to have a pool for the summer, but I feel in total limbo right now. To add to this, my older son, who currently lives in his own place with roommates, is talking about enrolling in college. While I’m ecstatic that he’s finally feeling ready, (he’s almost 21 years old), I really want him to come with us if we move, and if he’s committed to school he’ll be stuck here for awhile. I’d also like for him to be able to live at home while going to college so he can save money, but that’s going to be difficult considering we live in a 2 bedroom apartment. We literally have no room and it’s somewhat impractical for a 21 year old to share a bedroom with a 3 year old.
Everyday I wake up thinking: What are we doing? Where are we going? Should I just give up and stay in Minnesota? Where will we be in 5 years? Is this the right choice? Is that the right choice? My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts that go nowhere. It’s somewhat exhausting. Clarity. A strong sense of direction. This is what I crave. In the meantime, I’m going nowhere fast.